Amanda

1/5/08 10:44 pm - ugh!!!

I feel like this big weight has been lifted off of me!! and suprisingly its kind of relieving!! Until I see his photo, I try to be strong and look the other way, but when i see his eyes its like i melt inside all over again! Its sad because i know that i dont need him and that i can and WILL survive without him. i guess its just werid to think that i would love to hear his voice....to know his opinion to talk to him....i dont kno!!!

Anyway on a different note, my grandpa has lung cancer, its a slow growing cancer none the less...it still worries me!!! hes one of the only father figures ive EVER had.... and it kinda seems like my life has been put in kinda fast forward!!! like i need my life to speed up so i can accomplish some major goals before he takes a turn for the worse!! i want him there when i get married....physically not spiritually!!! and the bad thing is....he doesnt want to do radiation!! i know he saw what my aunt went through (she died of breast cancer 7 years ago...in april!) and he doesnt want to go through that! but i dont think i can stand to loose another family member...not yet!!! but i guess praying is the best thing i can do right now....

• Leave a comment

12/30/07 10:42 pm - planning plotting and creating jealousy

Im planning and plotting...yes very bad of me but this time IT WILL WORK!!!! for the next 5 months i plan on loosing weight....HARD CORE!!! why...well 1st off i need to, secondly itll make joe crazy!!! weather it works or not, on makin him crazy is unsure. but i know that if i was to loose weight id be irresistable, he told me once before, that he wouldnt date me because of my weight....(but he dated HER, and shes bigger then me by like 30lbs, but in my opinon he only dated her to get laid) and i think if i was to loose weight and hang around there for awhile, not only would i turn heads over in that part of town, but also itd just be fantastic....to feel like that, like im wanted....but they cant have! not only that but ill be there for like a week or two and itd be PERFECT, to be there and then have to leave....leave ppl guessing! not only that but i could see myself as a more fit person....more confidence and everythin in general!!! so not only that but this journal will become a weight loss journal! so its coming in handy! itll be perfect just watch......i cant wait to shock everyone too!!!!

• Leave a comment

12/29/07 03:24 am - mike

Mike is gonna be my main topic TONIGHT!!! Well actually he has been the main topic for the past FEW nights, and its not like ive talked to him in like 3 weeks....so i dont know whats going on inside this intelluctual brain of mine.....and thats what makes it so much more confusing! could this be love or could this be lust? i dont really know because lust is more over apperances and to tell the truth he isnt the HOTTEST thing around, but he has his personality that makes up for all of that. and the problem is i just dont know how to tell him any of this, rea says i need to call him. but i dont know if i can, i realy dont think i can get the nerve to do it....it scares me to even think of the possibile responses....will me be happy, will he be upset, will he even answer, will he even want to talk to me! and just thinking of those possibilites makes me want to shit my pants! hes a great guy dont get me wrong but i dont know if i can handle regection from a guy that i like but i really cant have, despite how much we or i like each other/ him.

 

 

( email to mike....dont know if ill really send )

• Leave a comment

12/28/07 03:09 am

LEARNING TO DANCE

the music plays

and we just stand

moving out hips

trying to hide

the feelings inside

ill take your hand

if you take mine

ill lead you

to the floor

and teach you the swing

something that isnt

so easy you see

itll challenge

both of us to be

the best we can be

right, left, back

pick a move

pull me under

pull me close

while only coming to see

that the swing

is a dance neither

heart can handle to be

the ballroom

a slow paceful dance

one the heart can handle

ill take your hand

you take thy hip

moving our steps

in the same rythem set

up, right, down, left

in the box set

and everyone stops

and stares

questioning who we are

we move in such unicion

our hearts dancing together

i feel your heart beat

the room is spinning

everythings so

blurry to me

everything stops

everything goes black

your so far away

reality has set in

it was all a dream

a fantasy

only the heart

cant tame

• Leave a comment

12/27/07 03:08 am - childhood nightmares

Its 3am and im still up!!! wow! i didnt go to bed until about 6 this morning and im up again until 3!! why do i do this to myself?!

anyway today went to the mall with my sisters, interesting none the less....a crap load of people were there it was unbelievable!!! but none the less it was productive. were going tomorrow to so hopefully ill get something, im gonna try and get nicholas sparks new book....just basically finished his whole fan site page thing, and it inspires me to much! i love his books, basically because their about LOVE, the one thing that lacks in my life at the moment. but not only that, just the way he speaks when he write is just so....unexplainable. like i said love is lacking at the moment and i guess im taking a big self discovery journey here, because my last post was about the tribulations with not having a guy friend and loosing one. but what can i say those were the most dramatic points in my life, outside of family and shit that goes along with it. my family life from childhood up....wow why would i even want to start? anyway everything in my childhood was just fine and dandy until my youngest sister turned about 2 or 3 i cant exactly remember the days that my family nights went on the brink. we had just moved into our newly built house! my mom hadnt started working yet, was still going to school, and my dad liked throwing temper tantrums about him being the only one working. so she finished up school and started working, i guess that was really when my life went down hill, she started working nights. and we had numerous babysitters, none of them lasted longer then six months....hummm i wonder why!? anyway, by the time that i was old enough to not have a baby sitter that was when they finally stopped getting one! and thats when i think i became the human slave! i did more house work then you can think...with 3 younger siblings you can only imagine the mess they can make. i did dishes and worked my ass off to stay out of trouble. i was so quite it wasnt even funny, i argued and fought my way to survive i guess. i didnt like being told what to do, and i guess by the time i was in middle school i was more mature then most kids my age, and i hated that. i cooked dinner every night, or as many nights as my mom didnt make dinner, made my dad dinner and gave it to him, i became my dads wife kinda....depends on how you look at it. my dad also emotionally abused me and sometimes physically, the words that came out of his mouth....were less then pleasing! and i guess it got progressivly worse as i got older too. as i became more dependent the more my mom drifted away and the more i was relied on, i eventually started making dinners, i thought i needed to learn how to cook to survive or wed be eatting sandwiches the rest of our stinkin lives. my dad didnt do it, he sat in HIS chair most of the night and watched what he wanted, but hey it was better then the last few years he was at our houes.....he locked himself in the bedroom and sat on the computer. granted he didnt have a job and all but come one dont do anything and blame it all on someone else....what kind of person really does that?! anyway yeah i lost most of my late childhood and my teenage years trying to please everyone and eventually cracked!!! and started cutting! but by then i was a freshman in high school, and i guess it just helped a little, i dont really know! now all i can say for my past is i have major trust issues! i dont trust anyone anymore and if i trust you....then your lucky! because ive been screwed over by family, friends and my parents! my parents i guess in my opinon took advantage of what they could, they didnt give any of us the home life we deserved they fought more then they shouldve, and sucked us dry of all our sanity. i have very low self esteem because of my father and his degrading words. as well as him being so ashamed of my mother, i had become ashamed of her also...which is bad because i look exactly like her. but still it was wrong and i regret it to this day. my siblings i believe took every advantage they could of me, and in return they got the same thing i did exactly what my parents did to me. wrong none the less but i didnt know better...and to this day im still learning to let some things go but its easier said then done. my sisters wanted freedom and never watned help and wanted to learn things on their own, well at the time i didnt want to give it to them. i thought i had to help them, i didnt know better. i felt my parents were doing wrong by not helping them! and still its hard not to help them, but ive grown so much and have hated helping them and try not to as much as i can in hopes that they will grow up eventually! my friends well, ive already posted the shit thats happened with joe, but his sister....thats a new story. she in my opinion used me to her advantage, although we did have a friendship we were best friends at one point...until she decided to control my family. although she denies to to this day that she ever did. when she goes around telling my sisters and brother what to do thats wrong! i didnt care that it gave my mom more confidence but in the end my sisters and brother didnt listen to my mom and listened more towards her....how wrong is that??? i kept my mouth and eventually i just SNAPPED!!! i couldnt take it anymore, they wouldnt listen to me, wouldnt listen to my mom and wouldnt listen to my grandmother...but will listen to her....because they were AFRAID of her!!! what does that tell you?! so i just gave her the silent treatment and then her mom got involved, i guess she got her from it all...i didnt give a fuck. it didnt bother me at the least. although we never patched it up, she still thinks everything is okay between us. i havent talked to her since my birthday, granted ive sent her emails but has she got back to any of them NOPE, and i always reply to hers...WTF? but yeah she was my biggest trust obstacle! now guys thats a new thing for me, kenny was my only real relationship i ever experienced! joe that was different because he didnt want me in return, or didnt act like it towards me anyways! now mike....although weve never met, i think i fell for him to fast and to hard! and i dont need to do that again, but he also told me that if i ever needed him that i could go to him...and it scares me to think that i will loose him as a firend in the end too. and i didnt even do anything wrong....or i dont think i did. i mean theres 2 points that i think that he does and doesnt like me anymore. 1. he does because hes told me he likes me and that he wants to be a good friend to me, and keep me in his life for a long time...but that was before he talked to my mom. hes told me even after our 3 week break from each other that he still thought i was pretty. and that is just somethin i dont hear often. now point 2 hes told me that hes become a lost cause, i dont know what to think of this, im stuck between a rock and a hard place with him.  i mean i like him but i dont want to over do it and cause more trouble, and shit just unravel right in front of my face. maybe im hoping for so much and need to just sit back and wait....but im so tired of waiting i wanna know what it feels like. and i felt so good with him, i felt like he was the best thing to happen, espically after seeing all the love that ive ever known fall apart right in front of my face....ugh i just need to talk to him and its so confusing it isnt even funny anymore. i wanan write a poem for him, because he told me he wanted one....but i just dont know how to start it! and also he gave me his number and said call me anytime...well i dont know if i should take that sersiouly! only because of my mom talkin to him....i dont want it to blow up in my face im just so afraid of something and i cant over come it for the life of me! ugh i need a guy friend at the moment and i cant ever find on near me to help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!

• Leave a comment

12/26/07 03:28 am - GUYS

My LOVE LIFE is MESSED up!!!!

Ok....as christmas got closer i seemed to be thinking a lot more about relationships with guys...mostly!!!

I dont even know where to begin its so messed up.....from the beginning?? my freshman year i met my (ex) best friends brother and started to like him, legally i couldnt date him or anything because he was to old for me....4 years older then me to be exact. well we just flirted and made the line thin and over the past 3 years became VERY close FRIENDS and that was all. when i dated my ex he was there to hold me up when i was about to fall and was there to explain many things for me. and over the years while we became close friends weather either one of us wanted to admit it...well him mostly, we fell in love with each other. maybe this isnt LOVE like when you talk about 2 people loving each other forever, maybe just brother sister love...hell i dont know. but anyways, that got me to thinking, about things that had happened in the past between us, espically the last few months i was up there with him (we recently moved down to TN) well, the few months before i left, and some weeks before school ended our relationship was on the ROCKS and we just kept hitting like REALLY hard! he started dating this girl, that my ex dated after me, shes a WHORE lets just put it that way, and i could not stand her!!! i had gone to school with her, i know about her past and i just didnt like the fact that he could stoop that low just to get laid. anyway we had fought SOO much within those past few months, i dont regret any of it at all. he was a great guy before she came along and fucked it all up. he knew RESPECT he knew LOVE he knew what he WANTED. lets not forget he was supposed to graduate when i was a freshman but was held back, not his fault he says, and he was supposed to graduate when i was a junior, and when he met her and knew that he could get his way he totally lost any respect for himself or for even girls...and that pisses me off right there!!! well he didnt graduate on time, and i spent my whole fucking year trying to help him graduate, i was THERE for him when he needed me!!! I helped him with his homework, he didnt do special ed english or science because he would be in those classes with me!! he took them because i was there to help him....what the hell does that tell you??? is that not love or what? anyway he started dating her and he THREW it all away, for HER and she is supposed to graduate this year, but she dropped out of school. so she cant, and they just fucked up each others educations!!! granted joe had until hes 26 to graduate being in special ed and all. but it just makes me so mad the he FUCKED UP HIS LIFE FOR HER....when he could have ME!!!! he always said i was TOO big for him, (SHES FUCKING TWICE MY SIZE) i have a better personality then her, i dont smoke and i dont cheat and i dont fuck other guys....whose more LOYAL here me or her??? the whole mess was just FUCKED UP!!! anways right before i left, i guess she started CHEATING on him, and i know him so fucking well that i know he dont condone that, well he did with her!!! and their relationship became very rocky, the day before i left, he dropped his sister off at my house. well when he came and got her i didnt even say anything to him i didnt expect to and wasnt about to because i didnt want to be the last thing i said to him was get the fuck away from me and out of my house. (he and his gf had sex in my bedroom and in my basement) so he just waved and i waved also, crying on the inside. well come to find out they broke up, he graduated high school and now has a new girlfriend, and im very proud of him!!! except i WANT my guy friend BACK i need some support from him and i have absoulty no way to get ahold of him. And to top all that off my ex has decided to tell me he loves me....ive stated this before. my ex kenny we dated for a total of 3 consective months. i left him because things started to change and then i learned how much i missed him and truely did come to love him and a month later, the day BEFORE THANKSGIVING he dumps me....that was the most lowest part of my life. and come to find out, after school started back up after the break, he started dating someoen else and slept with her...or atleast that was the rumor. now like 6 months later he was trying to contact me, i had moved on with my life, he left!! i went down here for the summer and he had been trying to contact me and if all luck had it i was NEVER around to get the phone, or be there when he came by the house...ASTONISHING!! lol. so another 6 months past, and i started to feel VERY lonely again so i contacted him playin the whole im still in love with you story (kinda what hes doing right now....) and i got him back again, long distance of course...i was in michigan and he was in tennessee. i dumped him a month later!!! it just wasnt working, and i left him alone, i lived my life and when i needed a guy friend i turned to him because i couldnt turn to joe (my ex guy friend...kinda). now i want to scream because NOW another guy has come into the play. kenny and joe both knew my home life and understood it as best they could...its fucked up at home....now mike i met him in yahoo personals, hes in the army and blah blah blah. well he talked to my mom and that just fucked everything between him and i up!!! well weve been through 3 fights and have pulled through, went through a 4th almost didnt pull through but came out as friends!!! and my mom acted as me and talked to him, and that FUCKED everything up! well i havent talked to him in a month. and i need a guy friend right now!!! one that can help me with a lot of shit. although i still melt inside with i talk to mike or when i see his pictures but oh well i still need a guy friend.

EDIT Now with everything that had happened between Joe and I, i didnt add this in at the time. but he and i have been through our not so wonderful times either. long story short ive been harassed and been put through hell and back by his comments and degrading atributes. although he has been there for me, he has also been the cause to a lot of pain. he was there when my dad left us, he was there when i needed to rant to someone, to have someone just blankly understand what ive gone through and he was there for that. but like i said he also caused a lot of pain and greif, my freshman year he used me to get what he wanted, we were going down to his grandparents for christmas and i really liked him at the time and it was just so bad that i would do anything to get what i wanted and well i didnt get what i wanted he did. he was my first everything basically, except for sex....thats still mine! months later, he flirted on and off with the line of right and wrong. but the time was spent was fun at the time and added the much needed excitement to my life. so much stuff happened that year that ill never forget, car accidents, fires, relationships and everything in between. it was only recently our relationship hit new levels. but the summer between my freshman and sophomore year he became more of a best friend but a brother as well. he held me up while i dated kenny and was there when i needed him the most. my sophomore year i saw him differently i saw him go through heart break and fall downs and the ups and the more downs. my junior year i helped him as much as i could, i was there for him almost every step of the way....i was so close to him people thought we were together. and like i said he lost all of that when he started dating "HER". Now i also know that ill never get that back, i wish i could but i wont, its gone and its sad to see it go....its really sad to see it go!!! i dont think he knows how much i really cared for him, nor do i think he ever really cared about me in return!!

• Leave a comment

12/19/07 12:59 pm - last night....RANT

Well first off, EXAMS are OVER! and the new semester will begin with the new year! kinda scared but exstatic at the same time.

Last night, lets try and put it nicely....SUCKED ASS! Went over to Reas....love the girl! But when it comes to dealing with her other friends, they seem just so SUPERFICIAL. which i absoulty hate about people. okay now i think i should go into more detail. reagans mommy came and got me about 430 (me, lindsey, breanne and anna were all goin over there for i guess a girls night or whatever you wanna call it) and i was the first one there. Lindsey showed up next...love the girl shes AWSOME (and hung out with her most of the night anyways) Anna and then Breanna showed up. Lindsey and i escaped from the superficial world of theirs for like 10 minutes while we talked to reas mommy.  and then she went to get pizza for us! and thats when the superficial world hit me even worse! im not much of a social climber or a social person. but when you sit me in a room with 3 superficial bitches it comes to really piss me off...i really tired to keep my mouth SHUT....and did a VERY good job of it if you ask me. they just yacked and yacked for awhile, lindsey did a good job of keeping herself talkitive (what pissed me off the most was when anna kept interupting lindsey...its like hello some common curtsey) i just kept my mouth shut didnt say a word. and then her mom got back with pizza, that helped me keep my mouth shut even better....I LOVE PIZZA. and then they yacked some more. and then we went up to her room and watched a movie....didnt pay much attention since it was hard to sit on her blow up matress....just looked at old year books. and then escaped with lindsey to the office and got on facebook. better then sitting in there with a bunch of girls i cant stand...except for rea. unless shes around them. and then she turns into them and it just pisses me off to no complete end!   Anna seems very superficial and just a plain joke! like she gets pride and joy out of makin fun of people. but thats just my opinion!  Breanne seemed like she did have a sensitive side, but rea wasnt close enough to know that side, and she just gets superficial around anna! lets put it this way i felt like a TOTAL Outcast last night! and i CANT WAIT to leave the SUPERFICIAL world of HIGH SCHOOL!

On a guy subject...well there isnt a guy subject to refer too, mike hasnt talked to me and neither has kenny...why....hell i dont know! but who cares!

were out for break, i love the idea of being on break but i hate the idea of having NOTHING to ever do! I NEED A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Leave a comment

12/17/07 08:53 pm - UGH

My mind is running in so many different directions its unbelieveable!!! exams finish tomorrow, cant wait but to a point im dreading it. im competely afraid i will loose my best friend, because we will have no classes together. and on top of that we dont see each other during school, and we dont have any of the same group of friends!!! her friends in my opinion are part of that superficial popularity group...which makes me want to gag!! but whats funny is shes their total opposite but when shes around them she can seem so superficial but when shes with me she seems so....i dont know REAL.
other then that my love life competely SUCKS ASS. kenny says hes in love with me and i cant have him because im so competely full blown over with mike...and still crushin on him. now kenny is a little more realistic, but the ass wont talk to me, or it seems like he wont. maybe hes just busy and i hope he is for his sake. but then again i have to give him some leg room....he is expectin a kid. but then again lately it feels like no guy really wants to talk to me...mike isnt and kenny well i just dont know with him....why do guys have to be so....DAMN CONFUSING!!! and with all this information stored in my head i dont know what to do anymore with the information. it feels like im going to explode. and whats bad is bein mike hasnt talked to me in over a week, i dont know if im OK with it or if it just pisses me off competely! and i didnt even do anything WRONG. i didnt even talk to him to make something wrong! my mom did....but i guess with everything its kinda understandable but it just pisses me off to no end! is it such a bad thing to ask to know what it feels like to be loved competely.
and one thing makes me competely satisfied is that i havent hurt myself in like a month i think....i just want to jump up and down! i dont think i can handle another break down i didnt handle the first one very well....

beyond ranting, everything is going okay...besides for the total confusion. this past weekend was like the best...i felt like an only child. and then last night i came home and there were more...my bubble was busted i wasnt the only child anymore...well i guess good things only last in periods! i remember when i was the only child, i dont remember much but i know i can atleast say i LOVED it to death. and now that i have 3 below me makes me want to shoot myself in the foot...and my foot hurts pretty bad right now and i dont even know what i did to make it hurt to begin with.
well im goin to bed...i have 2 exams in the morning and there my last two for this semester and i want to do good....wish me luck!!!! night

• Leave a comment

12/14/07 10:21 pm - I am Legend

went and say i am legend tonight!!! If your one that loves suspense, heart felt, dearing movies youll love this one...i cried laughed and sat on the edge of my seat!!! and jumped out of my seat a few times too....it was AWSOME....love it would watch it a MILLION and ONE times over again!!!!

• Leave a comment

12/14/07 05:19 pm - ummmm

Well tonight should be somewhat of a blast! Gettin to go to the movies, havent been to a movie since July. were going to see i am legend! should be good i guess its gonna be me and 4 other girls....lol. but that isnt even the reason why i felt like updating.
my ex decided to tell me last night that hes still in love with me. and the only reason he i assume said this is because of the problems with mike. i dont really know if i believe him. i want to be its just so hard to believe a guy that you havent see in 2 years and he says hes still in love with you. its kinda scary! this guy was always great to me while we were dating it was afterwards that he turned into someone totally different. i want to see him with the best but when he doesnt seem to want to go back to school i know he cant be livin the life he surely wants to have. i dont know if i still love him in return...i guess right now love has competely screwed me over that i just dont trust it anymore...or maybe im just not in love with him. and i dont know how to go about telling him this whatsoever!
but thats me i guess...had to do my drama production with a friend today...we just WINGED it...i remembered very few lines...very few. and the past couple of days ive been raming it into my head to just try and memorize it. but i guess when i got up on stage i just lost it competely. didnt remember what came next. but it didnt help that she didnt either she didnt even remember her first line....so yeah it goes hand in hand. but we'll see how we did monday for sure...hopefully good!
saturday i getta either go to my dads....if he doesnt get them tonight (them bein my sisters and brother) or tomorrow when i wont have anything to do until sunday night...goin with a friend to her churches christmas play...which should be good....maybe theyll remember their lines.
exams are next week....i am in no way worrying about them because i know all the material....and i have ABOSULTY no hard classes. i guess thats what you get when you only have 4 classes a day...yeah we do and we start school at 740 and get out at 240 so figure that one out....blocked classes!!!
Christmas is right around the corner i dont know if i should be happy or not....being last christmas wasnt so productive...it was special though. it was the first christmas without my dad around...which i think in a way made it better (he moved down here the summer before and divorced my mom only days before which that kinda made it suck) but other then that it was ok....now this year the only reason i suspect we'll even get presents is from family last year my mom got us each 1 and the rest came from donations. so yeah we'll deffently see how that goes...and yes i know thats not the true spirit of christmas but hey what girl doesnt love gifts.
i guess thats about it....we'll see later i guess

• Leave a comment

12/12/07 08:24 pm - recent...me

Well i figured it was about time i updated on this crazy thing....Life has been going crazy!!! But we wont go there because that crazy part of my life is literally makin me go insane! I cant stand it anymore and i think thats whats pissin me off the most!!! new phrase SCREW LOVE!!! i tell ya it really isnt worth the pain we put ourselves through to find it .... i just feel like givin up... and the only reason i want to give up now is because my mom...and the guy that i liked had talked and well it just went crazy from there...but like i said i wont go there!

But on a lighter note, this weekend should be fun, these past few weekends have actually been pretty fun! had a christmas party last weekend, before that had a friend over and we chilled while i tried to comfort her over a guy...yeah im good with helpin others just not myself...how pathetic!!! but other then that, everything in life i guess has been gettin just a little bit better over the weeks...but oh well!!!

Christmas is right around the corner i dont know if i should be happy, depressed or just plain pissed off about the holiday season coming and havin no family and no close guy to share it with... which makes love suck even MORE!! and on top of that, my family my close family anyways, is back up in michigan....where i wish i could be at the moment!! i miss my family dearly and i dont know what id do without them. gah.....

Now lets go into this guy subject...i absoulty hate this feelin, its kinda like im in the middle but im not and then again i kinda wanna blame myself for something i didnt even do....i met him through yahoo personals...he contacted me and we got to know each other pretty quickly...and then he talked to my mom twice. and then he didnt want to talk anymore, because of what she said. and what she said wouldve turned me off to any guy if their mother said that to me too...so i understood...i guess. then we started talkin again, and that lasted a week. and it was interesting while that lasted. and then he texted me and said "dont talk to me anymore, im sorry your to young" and that didnt hit me as hard as the first time did...i kinda expected it. i dont know i guess deep down i knew it was comin...instinct SUCKS. and then we stopped talkin for like 3 weeks. and then 2 weekends ago i went to bristol with my family and well he didnt get off my mind...could i have done this pain to myself?? and i clearly stated that we could only be friends...and well i started talkin to him again and at first we didnt seem like friends...we started off back where we were kinda like more then friends. and then we got in an arguement over a question i had asked him. and lookin back at it a day later, i wouldve reacted the same way. and i explained a lot of things to him...and this past weekend, my mom talked to him and i dont know if thats what bothered me or not..or if it was the fact that she just didnt tell me...she just asked him why he was even talkin to me again...its like WTF does it even matter if he is or isnt? and she didnt tell me so now he and i arent talkin havent been for a week and he freaked on me the same night she talked to him and i assume he thought it was her....and it scares me to think that he will always think its her and wont talk to me anymore...and that hurts i guess because i need him as a firned. i mean yes i still think i like him but im trying not to make him an obsession or anythin like that...because thats just not right for a relationship at all....hes in the army which doesnt make it any better on us either and the age difference doesnt help either!! so thats my excuse for thinkin love just plainly sucks ass right now!! and to top it all of christmas is around the cornor and i dont have him to talk to, to wish him a merry christmas and that sucks ass....and in my opinion thatd be a great christmas gift to talk to him agian!!!!

 

UGH LOVE SUCKS

• 4 comments
• Leave a comment

11/22/07 12:43 am - life....

Happy Turkey day lol...
So much thoughts running through my mind its seems so hard to sort them out one by one.
Today was a good day none the less had its moments but its been good, almost went a day without thinking of him. but its getting easier and easier everyday. i guess only time can truly mend a broken heart. i constantly ask myself what i found so attractive in the man? and truly i dont think i can answer that question with an honest answer, there was so many things that i liked about him but none that really stuck out besides for the fact that he was a guy that i could talk to and thats kinda rare!
Anyway things in life have kinda gotten a little better, havent cut lately havent really felt the urge to but only time can heal and looking at the scars i wonder why but i know why and i kinda feel better about everything like everything will be okay in time. im just hoping to keep myself busy during this holiday season so many things coming up and no one to share them with although i have to admit that kinda sucks but hey its life right. ive kinda just kept myself involved in these books lately and i guess thats whats keeping my mind at ease.

• Leave a comment

11/18/07 10:53 pm - UGH

Im so happy for myself, i went a whole weekend without thinking of him!!! But i guess that had to do with because i was sick too and didnt want to think about anything depressing! I ended up spending the weekend at my aunts, and maybe thats why i didnt think about him, because there isnt any constant reminder! But on my way home, he is all i could think about, he never left my mind and right now its starting to piss me off! I cant stand to think about him and then not be able to talk to him...how does a person get over this?? i personally hate it!
But on a lighter note, i have 2 days of school this week and were out but then its gonna suck because theres that constant reminder again! I didnt think i fell head over heals i really didnt, but now i hate myself for being vulnerable and then being crushed...and i thought i didnt care!! shit was i lying to myself or what!!!
But on a happier not i didnt hurt myself!! so thats a good thing, maybe because i didnt have any negative activity happening around me! so its all good, well right now anyway, we'll see how the rest of the week goes.!!!!

• Leave a comment

11/12/07 09:57 pm - Pain, Hurt and Sorrow

 I cant take the hurt i feel just looking at your picture, the thought that your over there, the fact that everything has changed and my life took a turn for the worst after i stopped talking to you...how depressing it makes me feel to think about you and anyone over there...the thought that maybe my chances for love seem to be limited! I know im only 17 and have my whole life ahead of me but i cant take the pain anymore...
The memory shoots through my mind like a rocket
like everything ive ever worked for has disappeared

Your still a part of everything i do...your on my heart just like a tattoo...(love that line)

Oh, oh, oh

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

[Chorus]

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)

[Bridge]
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

[Chorus x2]

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

why does this seem so very true...but so FAR away?!

• Leave a comment

11/9/07 04:07 pm

Dear Mike,
this is a poem for you...its called thank you
Thank you
for all youve done
everything youve fought for
everything youve won
thank you
for everything youve
ever been through
thank your for fighthing
fighting until you part
leaving that place
far from your heart
only knowing you must go back
wondering how youll face that fact
keep you head high
and id just like to say
thank you for everything
from each and every way

i'd just like to thank you for fighting for america! i think you deserve that even if you dont want to talk. we had a veterans day assembly today and although your not a veteran...yet! i thought of everything your fighting for and thought you deserved a thank you. and you can never hear enough thank yous, espically where your at
thanks,
amanda

• Leave a comment

11/9/07 03:58 pm - blah

have you ever just got the feeling that shit happens because nothing better could happen?! i mean the past 3 weeks ive been in the worst dumpass mood ever! usually im high energy and good going, but all this shit starts to happen and it just feels the hole keeps getting deeper and deeper! usually i can put on a good face, and just act the part but i dont think i can play those games anymore!
i met the man of the week, that didnt last long lets put it that way...3 weeks to be more exact and then all of a sudden oh i dont wanna talk to you anymore...its like what the hell?! and i guess thats what my problem really is, i told myself i didnt get attached but i guess i really did! i hate looking at it in that perspective but its true! and nothing seems to make it any better, i wanna just drop it like nothing happened but thats easier said then done....its 3 weeks for heavens sake! he was a good listener but i guess thats why its so hard because no one understands....no one can relate!
i kinda wanna return to those old nasty habits, in hope everything will turn around, like its my backup plan! but really i know in the back of my mind i dont want to...and just thinking about it, the past starts to ITCH! and i hated that feeling to begin with why would i want that feeling now?!
i know i dont wanna start those old habits over a guy, but writing isnt helping anymore, i cant stand to picture his face in my head anymore! gosh...ugh

• Leave a comment